Clinging his sweaty palms to a box of Oreo’s and a bag of Bugle’s, Dan Wheeler, 42 of Mt Carmel, Illinois is exceptionally upbeat about the probable success of next years resolution, in spite of failing to even make it to February for the 13th year in a row.
"You know, I really made a good run at it this year." Dan said as he grabbed a handful of M&M’s, while losing some through the cracks of his fingers. "Damn little runts. Always find a way to slip through the cracks! But you know, the best things in life have a way of slipping away from you. These little bastards taught me that."
In spite of all the evidence supporting its assured failure, including a half empty 2 liter bottle of cola sitting next to a bag of limited edition Doritos, Dan couldn’t be more excited.
"You know, every year I say, ‘this is going to be the year.’ Literally. I say those exact words every year on January 1st while I’m eating my egg beaters, fresh fruit and orange juice. It’s great! And then wouldn’t you know it, but the time February rolls around it’s Cocoa Puffs, bacon and chocolate milk. It’s like déjà vu, every year. It’s really almost weird how that works? Don’t you think? There’s really no explanation is the thing, and that’s the real problem."
Citing that Lucky Charms and bacon bites somehow “manage” to find their way into his fridge and pantry, Dan’s demeanor remains upbeat.
"You know, I could easily put my tail between my legs and give up," Dan confidently states as he reaches for a Cheeto, "but I’m just not that kind of guy. I’ll be damned if I don’t get to the bottom of what’s going on here!"
Catching his breath as he escorts us to the attic where he repeatedly and frantically bangs on the door with a broom handle, Dan explains what he thinks is the problem.
"Well, there’s these noises at night, and they come from the attic." Dan places the broom down and makes his way back to the couch. "I’m telling you, something’s going on in that attic."
Dan’s busy looking to 2015, where he says hopefully they’ll have invented ‘some gizmo’ to take care of whatever’s in his attic. “You know, with the way technology is advancing, they’re bound to have some contraption or another for that by then.”
As he splits his Oreo in half, “Damn the cream filling is so good,” Dan concludes some things in life you just can’t control, like attics.