North Korea Declares Itself Winner of 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics


SOCHI, RUSSIA- After having swept gold in every single event, including previously undeclared events such as “Greatest Winter Nation” and “Greatest Leader During Winter,” it looks like the big winner of  the Sochi Olympics is going to be North Korea.

The spokesman for North Korea, couldn’t be more excited, “As usual, North Korea has proven itself to be the greatest winter nation. This is a great honor for North Korea, and it brings great pride to our nation.”

North Korea’s triumphant victory in Sochi is especially great since not one Olympian from North Korea is actually competing in the games. North Korea’s spokesman continued, “The  greatest kind of greatness can only be achieved when you win at that great thing while not actually doing it.”

The great leader Kim Jung Un has already commenced celebration by enjoying a cup of hot cocoa with Dennis Rodman.

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Putin Vows to take His Shirt Off At Least Once


SOCHI, RUSSIA—We don’t yet know when, and many are still scrambling to understanding why, but President Putin has vowed to remove his shirt, at least once during the opening ceremony, and “hopefully a few more times” during the course of the games. 

Putin, a known lover of revealing his bare chest for a great photo-op whenever the opportunity strikes, would “be damned” if he was going to miss out on an opportunity to display his chested splendor as the eyes of the world descended on Sochi, if only for “the glory of Russia.”

Remarking on his intentions, Putin commented, “Well, of course the Olympics are about this athlete and that game, be it skating or ‘ehhh sloping, ice fishing, or whatever the hell they do during the winter Olympics. But then you have to stop and think, what’s the point of all those fun activities if at some point the people of the world don’t get to see, well, what they’ve all come here to see.” 

When further pressed about the moment in question, Putin proved quite cryptic. “Oh, you’ll see. Just wait for it. It’ll be good.”

Debate has already been incited over just how “good” the looming moment will be, or if it will even really be any good at all. But if past photo-ops have been indication, it looks like the people of Sochi and the entire world are in for a real treat.

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Depressed Mathematician Discovers Formula for Happiness


Frantically scribbling what would appear like a bunch of nonsense to well, anyone, Frank Berger, a 52 year old retired mathematician out of Colorado, who sounds nothing like Mr. Garrison from South Park, is breaking ground on something he says will change “x” number of people’s lives, where “x” is the number of depressed people who hear his formula and “actually give a damn.”

What he is calling the “greatest scientific discovery of our time” Frank feels like he’s finally done it, all of this while sounding nothing like Mr. Garrison from South Park, or Mrs. Garrison depending on what season you’re referring to.

"Well, I’ve really done it this time!" Frank shouts, "They kept saying I was crazy, stripped me of my license to teach, but look who’s laughing now!"

"Wait, am I actually supposed to laugh right there?"

Frank continues cheerfully and in no way shape or form resembling Mr. Garrison, “Well, anyway it’s really quite simple. So, you’ve got Happiness= (xoxo) [squared] (where xoxo equals hugs and kisses) + π (where pi equals actual daily intake of pie) - A [cubed] (where A equals the amount of assholes in your life). So there you have it.”

"So it’s really quite beautiful. And hugs and kisses are important to happiness so you just go ahead and square that."

After questioning why it’s important to “square” the hugs and kisses, Mr. Garrison, I mean Frank Berger, 52, goes on to explain, “well for good measure.”

"Yea, so that’s for good measure. And then we all know how important pie is, but not too much pie because you don’t want to get bloated, so you don’t square or times pie or anything like that."

Mr. Garrison goes on to say, “And you’ve got to always remember to cube assholes, because no matter how many hugs and kisses and pies you eat, all it takes is 2 or 3 assholes to (expletive) all the rest of that up.”

Police Officer Cites Donut for Four Violations


Dale Harvey, a police officer in Fort Stockton, Texas was recently promoted for issuing a donut a variety of violations, including a misdemeanor.

"When I first came into contact with the frosted suspect in question, it seemed cordial enough. It seemed more or less amicable, and seemingly ready to comply with me eating it. But all of a sudden," Officer Harvey takes on a more serious tone, "things took a turn for the worse."

"Well, first it slipped from my grip in a aggressive manner, catching me off guard. Right there I already got it for resisting arrest." Officer Harvey looks towards his partner "I think you can get up to what? Six years for just that in Texas? Right?"

"Well actually it’s six months sir."

"Well, like I said six months. Yeah. Anyway, then the frosting got all over my lap, and that’s when my coffee spilled on my pants due to the suspect’s resistance."

At that moment a call came through on Dale’s partner’s radio, “We’ve got a possible 187 and reported gun shots…”

"Can you turn that damn thing off! Jesus! I’m trying to do an interview with the thing. With the people here and all I got to hear is that damn thing going off all the time. This is important!"

Turning his attention back to the interview, “Sorry, sorry, yea so I had no choice but to immediately apprehend the suspect for injuring an officer in the line of duty.”

"Following the immediate apprehension of the suspect, well what do we have here… " Officer Harvey looks down at his pocket notepad through his reading glasses, "Well yeah, I’ve got the perp. for failure to yield to my stomach and yea, well attempting to bribe an officer through flavor favors.

Sentence was carried out immediately with an acidic execution in Officer Harvey’s bile.

Elderly Man Loses Keys While Visiting the Florida Keys

"Wouldn’t you know it!" Harry Schneider, 92 of Ft. Lauderdale Florida chuckled, "I thought this might be the one place where I wouldn’t have to deal with this three times a day!"

Expressing frustration that the Keys have yet to really live up to their name, Harry expressed hope that “one of these damn days” maybe the Keys would pull through. “You know, that’s one of the reasons I came down here to begin with. With a place called the Keys you’d really think there’d be plenty of keys to go around!”

Harry seemed lost, “I really don’t get it! It’s like they give you hope, and then take it away! Damn Communists!”

Harry’s wife Ida later confirmed Harry has not possessed a set of keys in over five years, and has not visited the Florida Keys in over fifteen years.

Severely Overweight Man Looks to Next Year’s Resolution



Clinging his sweaty palms to a box of Oreo’s and a bag of Bugle’s, Dan Wheeler, 42 of Mt Carmel, Illinois is exceptionally upbeat about the probable success of next years resolution, in spite of failing to even make it to February for the 13th year in a row.

"You know, I really made a good run at it this year." Dan said as he grabbed a handful of M&M’s, while losing some through the cracks of his fingers. "Damn little runts. Always find a way to slip through the cracks! But you know, the best things in life have a way of slipping away from you. These little bastards taught me that." 

In spite of all the evidence supporting its assured failure, including a half empty 2 liter bottle of cola sitting next to a bag of limited edition Doritos, Dan couldn’t be more excited.

"You know, every year I say, ‘this is going to be the year.’ Literally. I say those exact words every year on January 1st while I’m eating my egg beaters, fresh fruit and orange juice. It’s great! And then wouldn’t you know it, but the time February rolls around it’s Cocoa Puffs, bacon and chocolate milk. It’s like déjà vu, every year. It’s really almost weird how that works? Don’t you think? There’s really no explanation is the thing, and that’s the real problem."

Citing that Lucky Charms and bacon bites somehow “manage” to find their way into his fridge and pantry, Dan’s demeanor remains upbeat.

"You know, I could easily put my tail between my legs and give up," Dan confidently states as he reaches for a Cheeto, "but I’m just not that kind of guy. I’ll be damned if I don’t get to the bottom of what’s going on here!"

Catching his breath as he escorts us to the attic where he repeatedly and frantically bangs on the door with a broom handle, Dan explains what he thinks is the problem.

"Well, there’s these noises at night, and they come from the attic." Dan places the broom down and makes his way back to the couch. "I’m telling you, something’s going on in that attic."

Dan’s busy looking to 2015, where he says hopefully they’ll have invented ‘some gizmo’ to take care of whatever’s in his attic. “You know, with the way technology is advancing, they’re bound to have some contraption or another for that by then.”

As he splits his Oreo in half, “Damn the cream filling is so good,” Dan concludes some things in life you just can’t control, like attics.

Man at Monster Truck Rally Could Do Better


Remarking that his 1997 beat up Dodge Ram full size pickup could do “way better” than “these jokers,” a man in attendance at a recent monster truck rally in Phoenix lambasted all the drivers, including crowd favorite Grave Digger.

After spilling some of his beer on himself over what Bob Jenson expressed as nothing short of a “sissy” performance by El Toco Loco,  he preceded to throw his nachos down in disgust.

"He didn’t even take that ramp very good!" Bob remarked adding, "My Dodge Ram definitely would have gotten more air. And it probably even gets better gas mileage."

Bob further vented his frustrations after Bounty Hunter “didn’t bring it tonight.”

"I don’t know what’s going on. Normally Bounty really crushes the cars real good. Tonight just looked like he was going through the motions."

Remarking that his Dodge Ram always knows how to bring it, Bob recalled an occasion where he needed to tow his buddy’s car that was stuck in the swamp.

"I can always count on her. 250 thou’ and she’s never let me down once. You know, I always thought a truck like Bounty Hunter would be clutch if I needed a tow, but after tonight, it’s hard to say."

Turning his attention back to the rally after thunderous cheers, Bob seemed less upset.

"Did you just see that sick spin out! Man, that’s almost as good as the donuts my Ram did last week in the Sear’s parking lot!"